Monday, June 05, 2006

Reasons Why Canada Will Win The Theatresports World Cup

1. We invented Theatresports. We exported it to less awesome countries to make them a little less sucky.

2. We understand Theatresports. We know how to play any ridiculous challenge and still touch the audience with stories that examine the human condition - BACKWARDS.

3. a)Jacob Banigan
b)Derek Flores
c)Steve Sim

4. Our pathetic competition:
a) Sweden

Ooh, i'm scared! Sweden is challenging us! They may be listed as one of the happiest countries, maybe their social system rivals even Canada's, maybe they are on average better looking than us, but for the arts? Hello? Culture? Who can list even FIVE global cultural contributions from the Swedes? let's see: ABBA, Bergman... um... that's it! Goose egg! even ABBA is only really appreciated by 40 year old chicks in drunken twitching fits of nostalgia - and Bergman - oh, you've seen a Bergman film and it was really amazing? NERD! Try it on your film studies class, college boy! This is improv.
Sweden? ... please.

b) Russia

Oh, yeah, the Russians are FAMOUS for their sense of humour. And the "Oh but we must laugh to prevent us from crying" angle doesn't cut it. Maybe they would have had a chance if they had like a secret state-run training facility in Siberia where children are raised under strict conditions to be super-comedy-soldiers, but honestly, i don't think they got that goin on. Good luck, FORMER superpower!

c) Zimbabwe

I have no quarrel with this country. Zimbabwe is quite a strong contender. May the best team win - wait! oop! we're playing against Zimbabwe on July 1 - Canada Day! Our national holiday! YOU GOIN DOWN, AFRICA!

5. We don't care if we win! That's right! We are there to entertain the audience. So even if the points don't go our way, we are going to be frickin' heroes to the beautiful sexy intelligent German audience. And that's why we'll get the points and win - because we don't care about the points and winning.
(Nobody beats Canadians at passive aggression)


Anonymous Joseph Limbaugh said...

Is the USA going to be represented?

8:46 AM  
Blogger THE CANADIAN SHiELD said...

the States are represented, by Randy Dixon - Seattle, Dan O'Connor - L.A. and Wendy Herlich.
i wish that joseph was there too, but wendy is cuter, so ... ok.
i only trash talked our competition in the prelim rounds. it was so emotionally exhausting, that i couldn't do it for all the teams...

for more teams, go to

9:14 AM  
Anonymous Keksmajor said...

Hey, this is Peter from Berlin, Germany. I'm the guy in charge of the Score Table which determines who gets into the final rounds.

So, send bribes (only in cash) to Guidos office in Berlin.

4:19 PM  

Post a Comment

<< Home